By Brandon Latham
Cooking, cleaning and a hallucinatory fever dream
– we all remember the time when Spongebob took all night to write 800 words
about what not to do at a stop light.[1]
Everyone from his pet snail Gary to his best friend Patrick to even the mail
delivery guy, a perfect stranger which is a little weird, reminds Spongebob to
get to work, but he manages to make his task more and more difficult. Imagine,
he manages to spend a whole night procrastinating without roommates, and before
the advent of either Facebook or Netflix. But you relate to him, don’t you? I
think we’ve all been there, watching the clock (though for us, the clock rarely
grows teeth and starts criticizing us) and hoping the paper writes itself. Here
is what we can learn from Spongebob about how not to write an essay:
“I’m going to write the greatest
essay of all time!”
First things first: try to manage your own expectations. The number
one reason for putting off work is the assumption that you can do it better if
you wait until you’re more prepared or more in-the-zone. Brainstorming and
planning will help you get there. In his arrogance, Spongebob begins without
even knowing how to answer the prompt. Really, the most important thing is to
plan your response, get started, and do the best job you can under the
circumstances.
“It should be against the law to
write an essay on such a terrific, sun-shining day!”
Whatever you do, don’t look outside. OK that was hyperbole, but the
sentiment is valuable: the more you think about what else you could be doing,
the harder sitting at your desk is going to be. For Spongebob, the distraction
was the carnival going on inconveniently outside his window. For you it might be
your sixth consecutive episode of How I
Met Your Mother, your phone, which just won’t stop buzzing, or Sunday Night
Football (like me, right now). Whatever your vice may be, keeping your eyes on
the prize will help you get it done.
“How about some calisthenics?”
To his credit, there is some merit to Spongebob’s desire to get his
blood flowing. In long binge-writing sessions, it is important every now and
again to stand up and stretch out. You just have to make sure to space these
out and use them right. Spongebob feels the need to work on his cardio after
writing his name on the top of the page but before beginning the paper. Just
because it is a good tool does not mean you should use it as an excuse.
“I’m not leaving until you eat
every single bite.”
Having other people around you can be a good tool for remaining
focused. Sitting around a table in the library with your friends provides a
degree of accountability, and you can use them to make sure you stay in line.
The danger is that they can also become an excuse to lose focus. Spongebob
feeds (really overfeeds) Gary when he doesn’t want to write. More than that, he
sits and watches Gary eat, then cleans the entire kitchen when he is finished.
Don’t let the people – or snails – around you become a distraction.
“Hey Patrick, how’s it going?”
Possibly the episode’s most topical and incisive moment comes when
Spongebob more or less has a staring contest with his telephone. He loses,
calling and waking Patrick (it was 10 p.m.!) when he should have been hard at work.
Obviously, this is a much bigger threat now than it was in 2001, when phones
were not mobile and could only be used to, ya know, phone people. If you have
trouble obsessively checking your texts/social media, simply turn your cell
phone off and put it away. You don’t need it staring at you the whole time.
“The”
Be honest: the first thing you thought of when you remembered this
episode was a still frame of Spongebob looking at what he had written thus far,
and finding an elaborately illustrated “The” alone on the page. What you can
learn from him here is that nothing good comes from over embellishment. Writing
eloquently can be powerful, but save that for the revision phase. When you’re
starting, the important thing is to get your thoughts out rather than obsessing
over one little word.
“Only 799 words to go!”
A watched pot never boils. Try not to become a slave to the word or
page count. It is important to reach your professor’s requirement, but noting
as Spongebob did that you are, in his case, 0.125 percent there will only bum
you out. Likewise, don’t try to cheat the minimum requirements by enlarging
your margins or adding empty words. The people reading your work are generally
pretty bright, and they will notice.
BONUS: “My pants! You get back
here!”
This one is just funny, but I guess the message
is to try not to fall asleep while writing. You may see some weird stuff.
[1]
“Procrastination,” Spongebob Squarepants,
Season 2 Episode 37a, Nickelodeon (November 30, 2001).
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