By Emily Prince and Sarah Sansolo
- Don’t worry about your thesis. Make it vague and rambling, nobody reads it anyway.
- Start writing your paper an hour before class – it will still be fresh in your mind that way!
- Bring it in to us for some line-editing. We love papers that are due in less time than it takes to complete a session.
- If a sentence seems boring, use the “synonyms” function in Word. Pick the word with the most letters so your professor thinks you’re smart.
“If a condemnation appears mind-numbing, practice the ‘replacements’ occupation in Announcement. Preference the expression with the furthermost eruditions so your don ruminates you’re nifty.”
See! Totally academic!
- Don’t bother to read the prompt. Professors get tired of seeing the same answers over and over again. Improvise! Maybe include some pop culture, like that episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo!” that you watched while procrastinating (see point 2).
- People can be intimidated by commas, but they are actually super easy to use! The, trick is to always put a comma after the, word “the.” See?
- Never use quotation marks when citing – they clutter up the paper. If you quote from Wikipedia, The Onion, or another scholarly website, remember to copy/paste and leave the quote in the original font. That should be enough for your professor to know you’re not plagiarizing.
- Better yet, don’t do any research at all! That way you are sure to avoid plagiarizing. This works best if you are writing on a topic you know nothing about, so that you can avoid using the word “I.”
- Maybe you aren’t as worried about the technicalities of writing because you don’t even have any idea of what to write at all. Don’t worry, it’s easy to meet a page requirement without saying much of anything. Some sure-fire tricks include using 16 pt font, widening the margins (only one or two words should fit on each line) and inserting lots of clip art.
- Use comic sans. Professors love comic sans.
- It’s totally ok to lie. For example, all of the above points are lies. Do exactly the opposite. Happy April Fools Day!
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